Inner King Training Experience mini-course: Crowning Your Inner King
Lesson 2: Stop Loving Painfully, And Start Loving Joyfully
Every painful issue—that's right, all of them—can be seen as something we hold on to as a way of loving someone from our past.
Think of it this way: If you are going through life constantly hearing the voice of your father (for example) telling you "You're not good enough!," your father is not actually there.
Unless your father is following you around physically, telling you that you're not good enough, that shaming voice is actually you. You are speaking to yourself the way your father spoke to you. You are reproducing what he said to you.
Why would you do this? The simple answer is love.
As you know, when we are children, keeping connected to our parents is critically important. It's a survival-level issue. In the best of all possible worlds, you join with your parents in their blessing of you. They say "You are wonderful," and you are able to be with them by saying, "I am wonderful."
But if that loving message becomes a shaming message—such as, "You're not good enough"—you still need the connection. You still need to join with them. So, in order to maintain the sense of loving connection, part of you joins with them in their condemnation of you. You learn to shame yourself.
And you maintain that sense of connection with your parents by continuing to tell yourself the negative things they told you.
Here's an example, from Inner King Training Experience leader Dmitri Bilgere's life, of how this dynamic works:
"When I was in high school, a good friend of mine was hit and killed by a drunken driver. I decided that I would never drink, as a memorial to my friend. Through the act of not drinking alcohol, I maintained my connection with my lost friend.
"It took me a few years to realize that I didn't need to not drink in order to love and feel connected to my friend. I realized that I always will feel connected to him. It's not something I have to work at. I can sacrifice in order to maintain the connection. But it's really not necessary."
In the same way, we all hold on to pain as a way of loving our families—and it's just as unnecessary as avoiding the occasional beer was for me to remember my friend. You may suffer to prove your love, and your connection, but all-the-while the simple fact is that you are always connected to your loved ones. You don't need to work at it at all.
Try on this metaphor for love: Love is the ground on which we all stand. You don't have to try to stand on it; you are supported by it, as is everyone you love. All you need to do is notice that, and feel the love you share.
You will have easier access to your Kingship, and your sense of blessing, if you learn to let go of the painful ways of loving you are carrying now.
You'll also be a better king when you are able to see and understand those painful expressions of love in other people.
Click here to be led through a simple 2.5-minute visualization about letting go of painful ways of loving
Click here For a longer, 5 minute discussion of how we carry pain to express love
Here's how to let go of painful ways of loving:
1) If you have an issue, feel the sensation of that issue. This sensation -- it might feel like a weight on your shoulders, or an ache in your chest, for instance -- is the emotional pain you are experiencing.
2) Ask yourself, who might I be loving by carrying this pain? Allow yourself to answer intuitively. You may be surprised who your pain is "for."
If you can't figure it out, it may be a pain you carry for a younger version of yourself. If you are having difficulty with this step, you can also simply say it's for "Your Family Soul," and feel it as love for your family.
3) Ask yourself, "Could you risk, just for a moment, letting go of this painful way of loving, and just feel the love that is under it?"
4) Allow yourself to bask in the love you share with this person, as a pleasurable sensation. Feel the freedom, and sense of blessing and empowerment, that comes along with it.
You might want to pick an issue and try this process out right now. It's simple and quick and can profoundly change how you feel.
On your Inner King Training Experience you'll experience firsthand—and at a very deep level—the letting go of painful dynamics that you carry as a way of showing love. You'll have intense, experiential breakthroughs, and will be able to feel your love as love, not as pain.
You'll leave the training with an automatically different approach to love. You'll understand how "everything is love" and be able to feel the pleasure of that love on a daily basis.
Here's what graduate Carson Owen, from Tennessee, said about how his new access to love affected how he thought about his entire life:
"The Inner King Training Experience introduced me to the intriguing, powerful, but initially bewildering idea that everything that happens to me—even those things I tend to see as terrible, tragic, or unfortunate—are in fact blessings if I look at them deeply enough to see the truth."
In the next lesson you’ll learn how death can become your most natural ally for living and even more present, fulfilled life. Click here to go to lesson 3.